MY HORMONAL, DE-MOTIVATED TEENAGER

My son has his GCSE’s coming up shortly and what a journey. I tell you peeps, if I knew things would deteriorate to where they are now, I would’ve suggested to Himself, Suh, their father, my EX (Sorry but I need to reinforce the bit about the EX a bit more – EX, Past, History) back in da day “sorry luv, got me a headache tonight for the next 12 days.” Seriously, this teenage growing up thing, pre-GCSE, hormonal I’m-So-Stressed-I can’t-Fart-On-My-Own without calling for “mama” is driving me nuts.

My son’s motivation has gone with the wind, I tell you. He is not even motivated to tidy his bed when he decides to crawl out of it. I have never been so appalled at the state of his bedroom as I have been over the past few months.

I’m scared, peeps, believe, real scared to go in there in case some insect or creature attaches it’s nasty, slimy, unclean self to my being injecting me with some sort of nasty disease and there’d be no cure for what I catch, believe me.

The other night I went to kiss him goodnight. After crawling over a wealth of clothing and other bits and pieces, I realised he had been sleeping on the same sheet for the past two weeks. Now how did I realise this? You may well ask? No peeps not from the darker shade of colouring. Not from the way it was not tidily spread across the bed. Peeps, and I am ashamed to say, it was from the frowsy smell that hit me as I raised my head to kiss him goodnight.

I nearly gagged, because frowsy, unclean, unsafe – health hazard – have never been part of my environment. Back in the day with my parents, we had to represent, star. Anything dirtier than a school shirt with a black collar full of sweat and grime, and I knew I’d be scrubbing not only my own shirts for the next year but those of everyone else in the household. If my bedroom was not tidy as well, I’d be welcomed with a good dousing of cold water over everything and be put on meal rations until I realised I was responsible for keeping my room tidy.

It now seems as if my son has regressed and for me, he should be in a foetal position. It is like looking after a baby again. Other than feeding him, which I may have to resort to, well actually no I wont, but you no where I am coming from, it is hard work.