Well hello peeps once again
So what has life has to offer us all of late. What musings can I pick from the myriad of instances and experiences life has thrown at me, to cause you to chuckle.
I was actually going to talk about “ugly” babies but that would be so hypocritical of me, since I am on this spiritual path, where I am trying not to be negative in any shape or form, nor criticise. So whether baby is ugly or not, I have to remember that all of God’s children are beautiful (so says she putting back in her triple bi-focal glasses). So I won’t go there with suggestions of early childhood consultations with a cosmetic company who offers “Do one face, get another free” with a clause stating “botch jobs occasionally happens – face the facts.”
So I will write about men picking their noses. This is something I have wanted to write about on many occasions, yet because it is a little vulgar, I have been so put off. Yet I think subliminally, messages have been coming at me, because wherever I go, there he is, someone from the male gender, finger up the nose, digging, twisting, (tossing and turning), drilling and twiddling. Now, I am not being biased at all, being of the female gender myself, and this in no way is a slight against the male gender, but truth is truth, is it not ladies? Men have this thing about digging, plucking, prodding (whatever terminology you want to use ladies) picking their noses in public as if they are eating ice cream, in the comfort of their own homes.
I watched a man just last week, (by the way he had distracted me, as I do not make it my business to watch such “nastiness” – it really does put one off ones food) pick his nose for a good 5 minutes. I really wanted to approach him like some vigilante and ask him whether he was digging for gold and if not could he please refrain from what he was doing in front of me. My stomach was churning over. Now you may say that I need not have looked at him, that I could’ve turned away, turned the other cheek, walked away, OR that I should have minded my own business. Hmmmm…..you are right, but when I am standing waiting for a bus, and every time I look up to check on whether one is coming, I am confronted by Mr Nastiness twisting and prodding away, then it becomes my business, ok? Anyone want to challenge me on that? How would you like it if you paid over £2 for your lunch (which is expensive to me) only to find that you have trouble keeping it down, because you are confronted by Mr Nastiness? If I have to spend my hard earned cash on my lunch, then I will do my utmost to keep it down.
Anyways……..Mr Grubby fingers was totally oblivious to people watching him or indeed to how he must look with his finger shoved up his nose, whilst people around him looked at him in derision. I was totally hoping that his finger would get trapped up his nose-hole and he’d be whisked off to Accident and Emergency for a lobotomy.
I have seen men waiting at traffic lights, on the train, waiting for a bus, waiting to cross the road just having a good dig. A month ago, someone next to me on the train was at it for at least 10 minutes. I tried to distance myself from him, but the only route out on my side would’ve been the railway track, because I was hemmed in. I was only distracted once again because he was sitting next to my carcass. I had horrific thoughts of the train jolting to an emergency stop and Mr Grubby Fingers leaning into me to catch himself from falling, whilst plastering his nasteeeeee fingers all over me with an apologetic “sorry luv.” Can you imagine? I’d have two choices. One to accost him with my sticks of rock which I paid good money for. The other, once I had reached my destination, would be to sprint home faster than mongoose run from fox, strip down to everything, showed in a bottle of dettol and have an early Bonfire night, burning everything to cinders.
But seriously, peeps, how often do you see a woman, in the public domain picking her nose? It’s ok, ladies, you’re not selling out or being sensitive, this is truth speaking here. We’ve got our pride to think of as well as our children. If my children ever, ever caught me picking my nose in public, that same finger would be found the next day on someone’s plate, next to a tin of beans and a slice of bread. My children had their reputation to think about and mummy picking her nose was a definite no-no.
We have more subtle ways of doing things – we hide behind a tissue or hold our handbags up to our faces, pretending to look for our purse. We hold up our compact mirrors and pretend we are putting on lipstick. One finger holds the lipstick, the other secretly attaches itself to the nose. Those of us with small children, bend down to them in their cutey wootey prams and holding their little, cutey, wootey hands in ours pretend to kiss those cutey hands whilst alternating this with shoving their cutey wootey little hands up our noses.
See lads, there is skill in this. It involves strategies, thought and execution.
So next time, you think of shoving your fingers up your noses in public, maybe you could think of more subtle ways to do this?????
